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[personal profile] danceswithgary
Title: I Don't Do Floors (The Rest is Negotiable)
Author: danceswithgary
Pairing: Rodney McKay/John Sheppard (pre-slash), John Sheppard/OMC (past-implied)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Spoilers: None, only borrowed a few of the characters for a bit.
Word Count: 15400
Archive: Fine, just let me know
Summary: "So, do you always travel with a machete and a parachute?" SG-1/SGA AU remix of 'The Librarian: Quest for the Spear'.

Back to Part One

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"All right, this is one of the markers the now exceedingly damp book mentioned. We're getting close. All we have to do is walk the circumference of the Earth divided by the length of the Fortress of Ollantaytambo."

"That's all, hunh? And just how the hell are we going to figure that out?"

"Simple. It's 8191 feet."

"The fifth Mersenne prime?"

"Are you sure you're just a bodyguard?"

"What? Math is not allowed, only grunting and shooting?"

"Never mind...that way. Since I know I can cover a yard with each stride, start counting by threes."

"Three, six, nine...."


"...Eight thousand, one hundred, ninety." Sheppard stopped counting and surveyed the surrounding jungle with a jaundiced eye. "There's nothing here. You must have gotten something wrong."

Rodney began sweeping aside layers of vines insisting, "I don't get the facts wrong. It's everything else I screw up. When the Toltecs invaded Chichén Itzá, it was rumored that a group of Mayan priests fled Mexico with their entire treasury." With a cry of triumph, he revealed a rough carving exactly where he'd expected it. He pushed past it, deeper into the underbrush, Sheppard following close behind. "As the story goes, they built a Mayan temple deep in the Amazon jungle to hide the treasure...." They broke through to a clearing and tipped their heads back in an attempt to gauge the height of the massive stone structure in front of them. "..never to be heard from again."

Sheppard led the way to the door decorated with arcane symbols. "So how do we get inside, genius?"

"Those are Mayan numbers." Rodney pointed out a series of characters carved into grid of stone tiles. "Mayan priests were obsessed with numbers."

Sheppard stood next to him, arms crossed, biting his lower lip as he examined the tiles. "You would have fit right in."

"Speak for yourself, Mr. Mersenne Prime," Rodney retorted. He began to repeat the remaining clue as he searched for the answer. "The time it takes a bird to become a bird. To get inside you must know the time it takes a bird to become a bird again." Glancing to the side, he spotted another symbol that jostled a memory free. "The procession!"

"What's that?"

"The time it takes the constellations, what Mayans called "birds of heaven" make a complete revolution around the galaxy, 25939 years." Rodney pressed one of the tiles and it recessed into the door with a click before returning to its staring position. "Two." He selected another tile. "Five. The Mayans were the first to discover it." He finished the last three in quick succession. "Nine. Three. Nine."

Sheppard grinned as he teased, "And it just happens to be a centered triangular prime." His eyes widened and the grin disappeared as the stone slab beneath their feet began to rumble. Neither man had time to jump free before they fell into the pit that suddenly opened.

Sheppard rolled over with a groan and looked up at Rodney, who'd already bounced to his feet and was examining the walls of the dimly lit chamber. "Where are we?'

"I am not sure...oh, no! We are in a Mayan death chamber. Escape is granted only to those who can solve the secret of the room. The only way that doorway on the other side."

Sheppard crawled to the edge of the pit that occupied the space between them and escape, and grimaced at the sight of the sharpened stakes that filled it. "Oooookay, so how do we get to that door?"

Rodney rolled his eyes at the ridiculous question. "That's the secret. Basically, we have to find a way to get to that doorway on the other side before the wall pushes us into the abyss and we end up with a lot of extra holes where we don't need them."

Sheppard rose to his feet and dusted himself off. "I guess that's what makes you a genius. Any clues in that book of yours?"

"No...." A grinding noise brought Rodney's head up from the book and his eyes widened at the sight of the wall that was steadily advancing, forcing them closer and closer to the pit. "This is definitely not good."

"Just in case you haven't noticed, McKay, now would be a damn good time to come up with something brilliant." Sheppard grunted as he shoved back against the wall, his feet slipping on dust and gravel.

"Sure, Rodney, just figure it out. Fate of the world is in your hands, you just have to solve the impossible puzzle in an impossible number of seconds." Rodney's hands waved in the air as he scanned the walls for clues.

"That's why you're on the mission," Sheppard snarled. "Now quit whining and focus."

Rodney's head drooped in defeat. "I got nothing."

"Great. Choking, just like I knew you would."

"Hey!" Rodney's flash of anger transitioned to a half-hearted smile. "Oh, I get it, reverse psychology. Good idea, wish it worked."

Back against the wall, Sheppard continued to push back as hard as he could. "No, not reverse psychology. Very real anger and excessive aggravation."

Snapping fingers heralded a solution. "Okay, I got it. This is an exact replica of their Great Temple of Teotihuacán. It's three hundred quahuitls by twenty quahuitls." Tracing a faint pattern on the side wall, Rodney muttered, "That means there's a place in this chamber where all priests could receive salvation no matter what and that place would be..." Rodney whirled and pointed. "...there?"

Sheppard's jaw dropped in disbelief. "That's midair, genius."

"You trust me?" Rodney didn't wait for an answer. "Hey, you only live once...unless, of course, you believe in Buddhism or Sikhism in which case you...."

"In these all-to-fleeting final seconds of my life, I could really learn to hate you, McKay."

"Never mind that...jump!" Both men used the last remaining inches of ground to leap halfway across the pit to land in midair, their eyes wide in astonishment at their escape from certain death. Rodney tapped his foot cautiously, his voice shaking from adrenaline as he gasped, "Fascinating! It's an optical illusion. Mirrors. The Mayans were the first tribe in the Americas to use them."

Sheppard stared down at the stakes thirty feet below their dusty boots and nodded slowly. "Magic tricks are going on the list right after Ferris wheels."


Sheppard shook off his bemusement. "Never mind. What say we get back on solid ground?"

Sliding each foot forward a few inches at a time, they felt their way across the invisible bridge to the other side, both taking deep breaths of relief when they were no longer suspended above the abyss on what appeared to be air. Through the doorway, they spied the unmistakable gleam of gold and Rodney surged forward in excitement. "There it is! There's the second piece."

"Stop!" Sheppard snagged Rodney's sleeve and yanked him backwards just as something clicked under his boot. Several somethings swished across the passageway leading to the treasure, and Rodney's eyes widened at the sight of arrows, spears, and razor-sharp pendulums slashing through the space where he would have been standing. Sheppard growled, "Booby-trapped, genius."

"Thanks." Standing in the doorway, Rodney attempted to discern a pattern to the release of the deadly array. "Well, at least it's an exact rhythm. One, two, three. One, two, three. Why does that sound so familiar?"

Sheppard's brows rose increasingly higher with each pass of the pendulums. "It's a...a waltz? You've got to be kidding. We have to dance our way to the treasure?"

"We're doomed," Rodney moaned. "I think I broke every toe of every girl that I danced with when they taught us in high school. Even my sister wouldn't dance with me at the prom."

"You took your sister to the high school...?"

Rodney grimaced at the memory, before appearing to erase it with a waving hand. "All right, all right. Don't start."

"Come on, we'll do it together." Sheppard placed one hand on Rodney's hip and drew him in close, offering his other hand for Rodney to clasp. "I remember how to do this. It's easy. It's all in the hips."

Rodney looked down at where he'd narrowly missed adding another set of toes to his lifetime totals and whispered under his breath, "One, two,, two,, two, three." He yelped when Sheppard began to step forward. "Wait! Not yet. Not ready yet." He returned to counting. "One, two,, two, threeeeeeeeee!"

"Come on, just keep those baby blues focused on me." Dragging Rodney along with him, Sheppard had avoided the first set of arrows, and they'd paused in the narrow space before the spears. "One, two,, two, three!" They were safely past the spears, and they faced the swinging pendulums. "One, two, three!"

"Oh, my God. We did it," gasped Rodney, his exclamation muffled since his head was very close to his knees. "I have to admit you have an incredible sense of timing, Sheppard." He raised his head just in time to dart forward and yank Sheppard's hand back before he could take the middle section of the Spear from its carved pedestal. "No!"

Shaking out his crushed fingers, Sheppard grumbled, "You better have a damn good reason for doing that."

Rodney urged Sheppard back a few steps, explaining, "My turn. These things are always booby-trapped." He searched the surrounding piles of golden artifacts and snatched up a faceted crystal about the size of a baseball.

Snapping his fingers impatiently, Sheppard held out his hand. "I'll do it."

Rodney's chin rose at the implication that he couldn't manage. "No, I can do it." He drew his arm back and released the crystal with a grunt, wincing as it thudded against the wall at least four feet to the side of the pedestal. Waving Sheppard back, he selected another crystal. "I just forgot to factor in...the...the slope of the floor." Ignoring Sheppard's rolling eyes, he threw again, the piece and its display stand tumbling to the floor with a clang at the direct hit.

The massive block that crashed to the floor in front of the pedestal proved Rodney's hypothesis dramatically.


Rodney blinked up at the sun as they emerged from the temple. "You was surprisingly easy to get back out after all that. I can't help wondering when the other shoe's going to drop."

"Hey, you need to stay positive, McKay." Sheppard clapped a hand on Rodney's shoulder and grinned. "Just be glad it was a piece of cake...once floors stopped disappearing and the walls quit throwing sharp things at us."

Rodney shrugged and checked his canvas bag again. "Sorry, I guess the glass has always been half-empty as far as I'm know...always looking for the potholes in life."

Sheppard dropped his arm and bent over to brush the dust off his used-to-be-black cargo pants, his hair flopping forward under the weight of the humid air. "I guess we're going to have to work on that negative attitude of yours...later. In the meantime, why don't you point us in the direction of civilization, buddy? Somewhere out there's a hot shower and a cold beer calling my name, and I plan to make their acquaintance before we tackle the third piece."

"Sure, give me a second...we need to head...oh, no...." Dismay flashed across Rodney's face as a half-dozen dark-clad men stepped out of the jungle, rifles at ready. A familiar tattoo coiled around more than one forearm in the group.

The tall man at the front of the dangerous-looking crowd smirked. "I believe the operative phrase is 'hands up,' Sheppard."

Rodney groaned, "And there's that other shoe."

"Maybourne?" Sheppard's choked whisper revealed his shock at the sight of the newcomer.

Smoothing back dark hair containing a hint of gray at the temples, Maybourne sneered, "I knew all I had to do was hang back and you'd bring me the piece eventually, Sheppard." Snapping his fingers, he directed one of his minions to hand him the canvas bag they'd ripped away from Rodney. Dipping his hand inside, he extracted the section of the Spear and admired it as it flashed in the sunlight. He dipped his head towards Sheppard in a parody of thanks. "I appreciate all your hard work."

"You''re the last Librarian," blurted Rodney. "Wait a minute. You're dead."

Maybourne's chuckle was condescending. "And yet, here I stand."

"I saw you die, Maybourne." Sheppard shook his head in disbelief, his voice rough with emotion.

"What you witnessed was an elaborate special effect, which allowed me to take my proper place as the Grand Master of the Serpent Brotherhood." Maybourne shrugged as if it should have been apparent to Sheppard all along. "I must say, though, your rage and despair was...perfect. I couldn't have planned it better myself."

Rodney's querulous voice intruded on the reunion. "I don't understand. Why go to all this trouble if you...."

Maybourne tilted his head, his eyes focused intently on Sheppard. "Absolute power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." His smile lifted at one corner with disdain. "You must remember how much I enjoyed a good aphrodisiac...John."

"I'll kill you myself, you bastard." Fists clenched in rage, Sheppard lunged, his forward momentum interrupted when a rifle butt connected with the back of his head. He dropped to his knees with a groan, as Rodney struggled unsuccessfully to reach his side. It only took a few seconds for Sheppard's hands to be secured behind his back and his machete to be removed from its sheath, leaving him helpless.

Drawing a revolver from the holster under his arm, Maybourne leveled it a few inches from Sheppard's temple. "Goodbye, Sheppard. Too bad we couldn't enjoy one last time together, but my destiny awaits."

"Stop!" Rodney shouted while throwing all his weight against the men that restrained him. "You can't kill him!"

Maybourne looked up, obviously intrigued by Rodney's vehemence. "Why not?"

Raising his chin in defiance, Rodney declared, "Because you know you need me to find the last piece...and I won't do it without him."

Maybourne snorted in dismissal. "I don't need you. I have this." Pulling the distinctly bedraggled book from the canvas bag, he flipped it open, and then yelped in protest, "The Language of the Birds! No one can read this!"

It was Rodney's turn to sneer. "No one...except the real Librarian. In plain old English, that means you're up the proverbial creek...and I happen to possess the only paddle."

Thrusting the book into Rodney's hands, Maybourne leaned forward and offered smoothly, "All right then, tell me where the last piece is...and I'll let him live."

"Don't tell him, McKay!" Sheppard shouted, twisting his hands in a futile struggle against his bonds.

Glowering at Sheppard's protests, Rodney complied with the demand. "It's in...Shangri-la."

Shifting the gun from Sheppard's temple to under Rodney's jaw, Maybourne snarled, "Don't fuck around with me. That's just another stupid legend."

Rodney's lips thinned as he gritted out details. "According to the book, Shangri-la is located at Mount Kailas. In the Himalayas."

Jerking forward in anger, Sheppard raged, "McKay!"

Straightening up as Maybourne returned the gun to his holster, Rodney retorted, "Well, excuse me for trying to save your life, Sheppard!"

"Let's move out!" Maybourne took the lead as the Brotherhood left the ruins behind, Rodney and Sheppard relegated to the center of the group, hands still tied behind their backs and of little use when it came to maintaining their balance on the uneven path.

Sheppard stumbled and slammed his shoulder into McKay's. He took advantage of the distraction to hiss, "You're an idiot, McKay. The Spear is more important than my life."

Shoving back in irritation, Rodney whispered hoarsely, "Now, who's being Mr. Negative?" Keeping his voice low, he leaned in closer as they trekked side-by-side through the rainforest. "Listen, he's not going to get anywhere near the third piece of the Spear...not unless I interpret the clues in the book. That means I just bought us some extra time to come up with a brilliant plan to get the Spear back and save the world." Turning his head toward Sheppard, he offered a tentative smile. "Look on the bright side. At least you didn't fail at your job by letting the previous Librarian get killed."

Sheppard grimaced and drawled sarcastically, "Right. He just faked his own death, using me as a reliable witness, and became the head of an evil organization trying to take over the world. Jesus, McKay, just...don't try to cheer me up anymore. I swear if my outlook gets any brighter, I'll end up running off the nearest cliff...and I left my parachute back at the temple."


"It's this way!" Yelling against the high winds tearing at the snowy path, Rodney pointed towards a barely visible pass. As Maybourne shoved past on the inside edge, Rodney slipped and skidded over the side to dangle at the end of the line tethering him to Sheppard.

"Rodney! No!" Sheppard dug in his heels and began to pull Rodney back up to the path, hand-over-hand. "I've got you! Hold on!" Finally, the others realized what had happened and helped Sheppard yank Rodney back onto the slippery path...and into a full-body hug.

Rodney trembled as he glanced over Sheppard's shoulders at the jagged rocks below, the only word he could manage a shaky "John," against a pointed ear.

Slapping Rodney's back briskly before releasing him, Sheppard shouted over the wind, "Come on, genius, stick close! I'm not losing you that easily!"

Furious at the delay, Maybourne stalked back to the group and raged, "You're the one that insisted we had to do this on foot instead of using the helicopter, McKay! I swear, if you're leading me on a wild-goose chase, I'll kill you myself...slowly and very painfully!"

Rodney merely shook his head at the threat and took point again, stopping in amazement as he emerged from the narrow pass onto a ledge overlooking the legendary land known as Shangri-la. The others quickly gathered behind him, eyes and mouths wide in awe. In uncharacteristic silence, he exchanged a look with Sheppard and began the long descent to the green valley containing a golden temple raised on a distant plateau...and the final piece of the Spear of Destiny.


"Welcome, travelers. It's long been prophesied that you would arrive today." The saffron-robed monk bowed low as he greeted them, his broad smile revealing no suspicion at the Brotherhood's armed presence.

Maybourne stepped forward with gun in hand and demanded, "Take us to the Spear."

Standing back, the monk calmly waved toward the gleaming temple. "What you seek is concealed within."

Thrusting the unresisting monks before them, the raiders stormed into the temple to halt in front of a giant gilded statue of the Lord Buddha. Ornate symbols decorated the rounded belly above folded hands, the lines of a compartment barely visible around them.

"Open it," Maybourne barked.

The abbot calmly informed the angry man, "We are merely the keepers of the temple. We do not hold the secret of the repository."

Yanking Rodney forward and silently directing one of the Brotherhood to release his hands, Maybourne replied, "Well, fortunately, he does." Shoving Rodney toward the statue, Maybourne ordered him to, "Open it..." and then thrust his gun under Sheppard's chin, finishing with, "...or I blow his brains out."

Reading the inscription at the base of the plinth, Rodney frowned and then moaned, "Oh, no. This can't be right."

Dragging his stubbornly silent prisoner with him, Maybourne approached the statue. "What is it?"

Rodney pointed at the characters, explaining haltingly, "Well, it says...that this can only be opened...with the name of...God."

Maybourne shrugged, his gun digging into the flesh of Sheppard's throat and leaving a red mark behind when Sheppard flinched back. "So?"

"So...the name of God is only the biggest secret in the world." Rodney's waving hands made it clear how impossible he believed the task to be. "For thousands of years people have tried to identify it. You expect me to do it in fifteen seconds?"

"Well, that's approximately how long he has to live if you don't." Maybourne shoved Sheppard to his knees and positioned the gun at his temple once more.

Wincing at the threat, Rodney turned back to the puzzle. "All right, all right. Just...." Snapping fingers signaled a breakthrough before Rodney leaned forward to touch two of the symbols. "M. E. Me." He turned around to share his reasoning. "Fundamental religious concept...God is within us all." He stood back as the compartment ground open revealing the final piece within.

Maybourne strode forward and bent to peer into the compartment, reaching out to grasp the prize, but halting at the last second. "No. It's too easy." Returning to where Sheppard knelt, he yanked him to his feet and freed his hands before shoving him toward the open compartment. "You do it."

Rodney lurched forward, grasping Sheppard's arm before he could reach inside. "No, John...I'll do it."

"McKay, get away from him." Maybourne waved Rodney back with his gun before reissuing his orders, "Sheppard, bring me that piece! Now!" Fumbling in his pocket, Maybourne pulled out a radio. "Collins, fly up here now. Track my signal."

Taking advantage of Maybourne's slight distraction, Sheppard darted forward and grabbed the spear head from the compartment, holding it above his head as he turned back around to face the Brotherhood. Behind him, Rodney gasped, and the entire temple began to shake as the statue began to sink into the floor. Monks and Brotherhood alike toppled to the ground as the pillars and ceiling crumbled around them.

Maybourne narrowly avoided a falling beam as he ran forward. "I want that piece, John!"

Knocking Maybourne's gun out of his hand with a kick, Sheppard shook his head. "And a man in hell wants ice water. Doesn't mean he's going to get it." Whirling, he drew his arm back and whipped it forward, the speed of the move sending Maybourne scrambling to peer through the dust, trying to locate where the spear piece had landed. Without waiting to see if Maybourne was successful, Sheppard scooped up the gun, grabbed Rodney's elbow, and dragged him toward the entrance.

Behind them, Maybourne shouted orders at his fleeing men, pointing at the rear of the collapsing temple. "Wait! Get back here! Get the Spear! Get the Spear!"

Just outside the doors, Rodney yanked his arm free and shouted, "John! Hold on! We have to get that piece!"

A gleaming spear head emerged from the sheath still attached to Sheppard's belt. "It's called misdirection. Guess I've picked up a magic trick or two myself along the way." He grinned and shoved the blade back into the sheath before pushing Rodney into a run toward the edge of the plateau. "Come on. There's the helicopter."

Distracted by the chaos in the temple, the pilot was easily disarmed and quickly deposited on the shaking ground. After scrambling into the co-pilot's seat, Rodney turned to Sheppard and asked with a worried frown, "Since you were in the Air Force, I'm assuming you know how to fly one of these things?" He jammed the earphones on his head and buckled in without waiting for an answer.

Wearing his own set of earphones, Sheppard grinned as he flipped switches and engaged the throttle. "Not a problem." The helicopter lifted a few feet from the ground and side-slipped toward the plateau's edge. "See. Easy as pie."

Rodney grabbed for the sides of his seat as the helicopter dropped over the edge, his voice rising in a panicked chant. "Horrible! Horrible! High-velocity pie of death!"

Sheppard laughed. "Settle down, McKay. I've got it under control." As the rotating blades caught an updraft, the helicopter began to rise again, clearing the surrounding mountains with a least a few feet to spare, heading for somewhere safe where Maybourne wasn't.


"Dr. McKay."

Woolsey's appearance on the hotel room's television set didn't surprise Rodney as much as it once might have. Dropping the towel he'd been using to dry his hair on the carpet, Rodney perched on the foot of the bed and reported, "If you're concerned, the third piece of the Spear is right..." Reaching under the mattress, he slid the spear head free and held it up for Woolsey. "...right here. Of course, Maybourne and the Serpent Brotherhood still have the other two pieces...."

"Nevertheless, good work...both of you. Despite the details Sheppard supplied in his latest report, I still finding it difficult to believe that was Maybourne all along. He was a fine Librarian." Woolsey frowned and shook his head ruefully before looking up with a renewed smile. "Thank goodness, we have a better one now. Oh, you'd better get the door." His face disappeared from the screen.

Resolving to track down the details of the technology Woolsey was using to keep tabs on him, as soon as he could find the time, Rodney sighed and shuffled tiredly to the door. He frowned in puzzlement at the waiter that wheeled in a cart holding sandwiches, glasses, and a frosted pitcher of beer. "Excuse me, but I don't remember ordering anything."

"I did." Sheppard walked out of the steam-filled bathroom with a towel around his waist, scrubbing at his spiky hair with another. "I've had my hot shower, but I'm too tired to hit the I ordered room service."

Reluctantly focusing his eyes away from the line of dark curls that began at Sheppard's chest and trailed downward to disappear beneath a loosely knotted towel, Rodney nodded. "Good idea, since it'll be another hour or so before we get our clothes back from the laundry." He selected one of the sandwiches and took a bite, chewing as he noted, "It's too bad the stores in Ulan Bator are closed this late in the day, otherwise we might have done something wild and crazy and bought new ones."

Wandering over to the bed with a sandwich in one hand and half a glass of beer in the other, Rodney sat down on the edge to rapidly dispose of both. "You know, I still can't believe it. I keep expecting to wake up with a keyboard stuck to my face. I never thought I'd end up jumping out of planes or over cliffs or swimming rivers or solving ancient puzzles. Well, maybe the ancient puzzles because...genius...but the rest...."

Ignoring the sandwiches in favor of a tall glass of beer, John chugged half of it before he sat down next to Rodney. Nudging him with a mildly bony elbow, Sheppard teased, "I have to admit, McKay, you're not the useless geek I thought you were at first."

Shoving back with a shoulder, Rodney huffed, "And you're not the suicidal psychopath I originally thought that you were. Well, actually you still are...but in a saved-my-life-more-than-once good way." Standing up to refill his glass, he wobbled as the room took a little spin. "Whoa, is it getting hot in here?"

After peering at his empty glass, Sheppard nodded. "A little bit. Maybe you should...take off...something." He dropped the glass to the carpet and flopped back on the bed.

Leaving his own glass on the cart, Rodney shuffled back to the bed and crawled across it to look down at the grinning Sheppard. "Are you feeling okay, John?" He ended up sprawled next to Sheppard when the other man reached out and yanked on the towel where it was knotted haphazardly around Rodney's waist.

"Actually, I'm feeling pretty damn good...and so do you. Soft...."


"Hey, you! Yeah, you at the desk! Have you seen the man who came in with me yesterday? He's about...he's size...but thinner...uh...uh...brown...dark-brown know...rakish. God, my head is killing me. Well? What's the matter with you? Haven't you ever seen a naked guy in a sheet running around a hotel lobby before?"

"Is there something wrong, Dr. McKay?"

"Mr. Woolsey! There you are, back in the television! John is missing, and so is the Spear."


"I woke up and he was...the Serpent Brotherhood may have taken him, or...."


"Oh. Oh, no. I think there was something in the beer.... I mean the way...he may have been in cahoots with Maybourne all along. Cahoots. I've been cahooted!"

"All right, all right, all is not lost, Dr. McKay. It took a great power to sunder the Spear. It'll take even more to fuse the pieces together again."

"Exactly how much power are we talking about?"

"Strip the mysticism aside, and you'll need a...a local electromagnetic field registering over eighteen on the...on the Schumm scale."

"Okay. Okay. That's good. The only time energy like that's been registered...was...during a peak full moon at the Great Pyramid when its capstone was in place. Since the Egyptian government refuses to replace...the...capstone.... Oh, no. The museum."

"I take it you've figured something out, Dr. McKay."

"Exactly. The next peak full moon is tomorrow night. Call in the Marines, Mr. Woolsey. I'm coming home."

"That's good to hear, Dr. McKay. However, in the interim, I'd suggest some...clothes?"


"Dr. McKay. It's good to see you." Rodney jerked away from the museum's service door as Woolsey approached from the shadows. He frowned as he rubbed his shoulder where it had collided with the door after he'd lost his temper with the stubborn lock. Halting a few feet away, Woolsey calmly informed him, "I've completed some reconnaissance, and we can get in through the ventilation system."

Straining his eyes to make out any additional figures in the dark alley behind Woolsey, Rodney asked, "Where are the Marines?"

"I afraid we're dealing with 'need to know.'" Woolsey dragged his shirt and tie to the left, far enough to reveal a small symbol tattooed over his heart. "Semper fi."

"Oh. You were a Marine? Good. That's...that's wonderful. Well, let's...let's get that spear back, shall we?"


"Serpent Brothers, a long-awaited prophecy becomes reality tonight!"

Rodney and Woolsey cautiously peered over the balcony located above the museum's atrium. A crowd of a dozen or so dark-clad worshippers was gathered in front of the pyramid's entrance, their enraptured faces illuminated by the flickering torches the museum had added to the display for authenticity. Maybourne held the three parts of the Spear above his head as he faced the Brotherhood, a dazed-looking Sheppard kneeling at his feet.

Woolsey pointed to the handcuffs binding Sheppard's arms backwards around a metal ticket stanchion. "There doesn't seem to be much cahooting going on now."

"I...I guess I made a mistake." Rodney winced as he confessed his error. "He definitely doesn't look good. Is that blood on his face?"

"We call down the power of the gods, the ancient ones!"

As they listened to the former Librarian's shouts, Rodney shook his head in disbelief. "Maybourne's really lost it, hasn't he?"

"Snake! Snake!"

The cries of the Brotherhood increased in volume and Rodney tugged at Woolsey's arm, urging him toward the stairs. "Come on. John's running out of time. We need to get down there."

"This temple...a gateway to eternal life. This weapon...consecrated with the blood of one who defied death. I claim the power of life and death!"

Rodney and Woolsey crouched behind a pillar as Maybourne declared himself a god before disappearing inside the pyramid with the spear pieces and two of the Brotherhood. Suddenly, blue light filled the atrium as the full moon reached its peak and shone down on the capstone. A high-pitched hum resonated through the air for a few moments before blood-curdling screams cut across the Brotherhood's chanting.

The Brotherhood fell silent when Maybourne emerged from the pyramid alone, the reconstructed Spear of Destiny held high. The self-declared god appeared to have shed at least ten years, his face smoother and his hair a glossy black. Rodney peeked around the marble curve of the pillar, muttering to himself. "I've finally gone insane. What made me think I could do this alone?"

Woolsey objected in a harsh whisper. "I'm here, too."

"Well, no offense, Mr. Woolsey, but..." Rodney watched wide-eyed as Woolsey whirled and dispatched a wandering Serpent Brother with a well-placed kick. "'re a bad mother."

Woolsey straightened his tie and smirked. "Well, after all, I was The Librarian a few years back." Silently directing Rodney to circle left and come up behind Maybourne, Woolsey tiptoed toward the next set of pillars on the right.

"Oh, yes. I feel the power. The power of life...and the power of death!" Maybourne smiled down at Sheppard, who was silently struggling against the metal that bound him. "I can see now that not killing you before now was the right choice." Drawing his arm back, he appeared ready to thrust the spear through Sheppard's heart. "At last, John, with the power of the Spear...we can be one." He staggered backwards when a stone hit him in the forehead. A second one startled a cry of pain from Maybourne as blood began to flow just below his eye.

Searching for the culprit, Maybourne spotted Rodney standing twenty feet away with another stone in his hand, a pile of the museum's further attempts at authenticity at his feet. Pointing the Spear at Rodney, Maybourne ordered, "Kill him!" before retreating inside the pyramid to escape a flurry of stones.

Suddenly, Woolsey was attacking the Brotherhood from behind, confusing them as to the actual number of opponents. Rodney took advantage of the ensuing chaos and ran to Sheppard, reaching behind the stanchion and triumphantly holding up the handcuffs a few seconds later. When Sheppard scrambled to his feet, Rodney crowed, "Magic again. Houdini!"

After swiping the blood dripping from his forehead out of his eyes, Sheppard grasped Rodney's arm and rasped, "Listen, Maybourne's gone back inside to charge the Spear under the capstone. You have to get it away from him before he becomes too powerful." He shoved Rodney toward the door of the pyramid. "Go! We'll make sure the rest of them don't follow you in!" Wasting no time, Sheppard plunged into the fray, fists and feet dealing damage alongside Woolsey.

Rodney rushed inside, unsure what he could do to stop Maybourne, knowing he had no choice but to try. He skidded to a halt at the sight of Maybourne standing inside a pillar of blue moonlight, his eyes shimmering gold. Maybourne stepped out of the waning light and laughed. "You're too late, McKay. The power of the Spear is mine!" He thrust the weapon at McKay who dodged at the last moment.

Maybourne laughed again as he followed McKay around the perimeter of the pyramid, jabbing at him each time he drew close. "You're the best they could come up with?" Rodney's eyes widened when one of the misses blew a hole in the block next to him. He stumbled away, trying to get more distance between them. Maybourne sneered, "You're pathetic. You're too clumsy to even die properly."

Assessing the dimensions of the chamber, Rodney took up a position by an inner corner before taunting Maybourne. "I don't know about that. I danced pretty well with your guy."

Roaring in rage, Maybourne lunged forward again. "Goodbye, Librarian!"

Rodney dodged the Spear, the block he'd been standing in front of taking the brunt of the strike and cracking it in half. He moved back to the same spot and stood there with his arms crossed and chin raised high. "It's amazing what you can learn from books." He dodged again, and Maybourne's next thrust shifted half of the cracked block sideways.

The walls of the pyramid began to tremble, and Rodney darted away to the center of the chamber, which was no longer illuminated by the full moon. He continued his impromptu lecture. "For example, if even one of these support stones is misaligned...even by as little as an inch...the entire pyramid collapses." Rodney pointed to the shifted block. "I'd say that was out of alignment."

Eyes wild, Maybourne lunged across the crumbling chamber, the Spear passing within an inch of Rodney's shoulder as he ducked. "I will destroy you!"

Backing away and leaving Maybourne standing in the center as the walls began to cave in, Rodney shook his head. "You never will, Maybourne. Know why? Because the things that make life worth living aren't just stored in your head, they're also found..." He looked up in time to see the capstone break free and shouted, " your heart!"

Ears ringing from the crash, Rodney staggered forward to yank the Spear free from Maybourne's hand...the only part of his body that escaped being crushed by the capstone. Wrapping his free arm around his head, he stumbled across the rubble toward the collapsing entrance, coughing in the clouds of dust. As he emerged, the walls subsided behind him, leaving nothing that resembled a pyramid standing in place. He stood there blinking away the grit and grinned at the sight of the battered tag team of Woolsey and Sheppard swaying over the prone bodies of the Brotherhood.

Sheppard looked up and staggered toward him. "McKay!" He reached out, grasped Rodney's shoulder, and shook him gently. "You did it, Rodney." His knees suddenly buckled, and Rodney quickly stepped forward and looped Sheppard's arm around his neck to help keep him upright.

At a polite cough, Rodney glanced to the side and then handed over the Spear with a tilt of his head and a formal, "Mr. Woolsey. I believe...this...belongs to the Library."


"So, I guess you'll be out of here tomorrow. Bet you're tired of the nurses waking you up every hour because of the concussion. Hanging out at the library is probably looking pretty good as an alternative."

"Yeah. About that, McKay. I don't...."

"You know, I think we make a pretty good team. Granted, we hit a few rough spots, but it all worked out in the end. You brawn, me brain...."

"Listen, I've made a lot of mistakes and...."

"Of course, any successful partnership has a shakedown period. It takes time to learn how to deal with each other's...idiosyncrasies. I know I'm not an easy man to work with...and...and you've been great. I've never had anyone who was willing to...and you're good at math...what I mean to say is...."

"What you mean to say is, 'hurry up and get out of here, so I don't have to spend all day alone with Woolsey'...right?"

"I...right! Exactly! Hey, did I tell you what I found in the inventory listing? A personal jetpack! I always wanted one of those when I was a kid, but after I worked out how large the fuel cell would need to be in order to...."

%+ Epilogue +%

"That's just it, Jeannie. Being a librarian is actually working out pretty well for me."

"I still don't understand how you can be happy shelving books and letting all those degrees go to waste."

"Actually, you'd be surprised at how often I get to use them."

"Fine, I'll drop it for now. Did you decide on Christmas?"

"I'm not sure what my schedule's going to be like, but I'll do my best. Just lighten up on the tofurkey...and trying to fix me up. Okay?"

"So does that mean you're still seeing this mysterious friend of yours?"

"'s complicated. Hey, let me put you on hold for a second...."

"McKay, hang up the phone. We've got to hit the road. Now. The Deadly Scorpion League has found H.G. Wells' time machine."

"And only Team Sheppard can get it back. Just a second. Jeannie? Listen, I'll catch you later. Love you, too. Bye. You know, we just finished up with the Black Widows and now there's the Deadly Scorpion League. What is it with bad guys using insect names?"

"I don't know, but it sure creeps me out. I hate bugs. Here, put this on."

"This is a motorcycle helmet."

"Can't slide anything past you, genius. Let's go."

"You're smiling again. Why are you smiling?"

"There's a dozen time-traveling ninjas out to kill us...and my new bike goes over two hundred miles-an-hour."

"Suicidal maniac."



Notes: For 2008 [ profile] undermistletoe entry. Day 10: Pick a song title from the Best Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time site...and go. So, I looked down the page and found the 'Worst Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time' listed there and took a sideways jump at one of them. Remix of 2004 movie: 'The Librarian: Quest for the Spear.'

There are two 'The Librarian' sequels that I haven't seen yet, so there's a possibility for more of this AU. *grin*

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters herein. The characters of Rodney McKay and John Sheppard as well as any supporting characters are the property of their creators and MGM Television/Sony Pictures Television/Associated Production Companies. The movie 'The Librarian: Quest for the Spear' and its characters belongs to David N. Titchner and Electric Entertainment.
Any deviation (or deviant behavior) from the originals, however, is mine.

Feedback is both welcome and appreciated.

Date: 2008-12-12 07:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Great remix.

There are three librarian movies:

The Librarian: Quest for the Spear (2004)
The Librarian: Return to King Solomon's Mines (2006)
The Librarian: The Curse of the Judas Chalice (2008)

The last one just premiered on Dec 7th. I haven't seen it yet, but I really liked the first two.

Date: 2008-12-12 08:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Great entertaining, funny story.

Date: 2008-12-12 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh my! I loved the Librarian series so I found this to be absolutely awesome! And while I do question your use of Maybourne as a past lover of John's (I just can't see it...Maybe Jack and Maybourne but John?), I do have to say he works well as crazy and bent on taking over the world. Awesome job on the remix.

Date: 2008-12-12 06:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*giggles* That was a blast! I haven't seen the movie but didn't really need to to enjoy the story. Great job! Love Rodney knowing everything there is to know and pulling saves out of his hat all the time. And Jeanie trying to get Rodney to be nice to people and the setting him up, and time traveling ninjas... *grins* Great story!

Date: 2008-12-12 11:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was delightful. I enjoyed the Librarian movies, but I think I enjoy Rodney as the Librarian (with his own personal Sheppard) even more. Woolsey was perfect for the Bob Newhart role.

Date: 2008-12-13 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow, that was great, thanks.

Date: 2008-12-13 05:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I have heard there will be a TV series made.

Date: 2008-12-14 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
EEK! *hangs head in shame* I was doing so much better at leaving comments and then I saw your post and realized that I read the story and then saw the first comment about the movies, got sidetracked to find out more info about movies and forgot to leave shiny glowing comment of love.

I loved this! I thought the way you did the action scenes with just dialogue was cool. And then to have a plot twist where I thought Sheppard betrayed him made my stomach hurt. *smiles*

Sorry, I forgot. Shame on the others who didn't leave lots and lots of love.

Date: 2008-12-15 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hee! That was so much fun. I can't tell how much of this came from the original, cause I don't know the movies, but now I'd like to see them. I've always gotten a kick out of Maybourne, so it was nice to see him in this.

Date: 2008-12-16 07:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That was so much fun makes be want to watch the movies. Great fic

Date: 2008-12-17 07:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can't believe you don't have several pages of comments for this. o.O

Also, McKay's Sherlock Holmes-esque deductions are AWESOME. <333

Date: 2008-12-18 04:18 pm (UTC)
twistedchick: General Leia in The Force Awakens (Default)
From: [personal profile] twistedchick
I love the Librarian movies -- and I think this story is great. I hope you will write more of them.

Date: 2008-12-18 10:17 pm (UTC)
grammarwoman: (McKay/Sheppard - Stargazers)
From: [personal profile] grammarwoman
This is a cracking great romp - I really enjoyed it. Like a poster said above, it makes me want to check out the movie. I love your dialogue; there are some sparkling gems in there. Perfectly John and Rodney.

Nice job!

Date: 2008-12-20 12:28 am (UTC)
ext_35150: (Rodney)
From: [identity profile]
Great fic! Rodney is just perfect here. I loved the first Librarian movie but I like your John and Rodney version much better. :D

Date: 2008-12-28 07:57 am (UTC)
ext_2160: SGA John & Rodney (Christmas McShep)
From: [identity profile]
Such fun! I enjoyed the movie, and I loved your 'remake', though Maybourne as the prior librarian? hmm.. I suppose you were sort of limited there in who to have be baddy. Oh John, always making bad choices. At least Rodney is there to pull him out of this.

I haven't seen the other two Librarian movies! Gotta watch. I hope you do continue.

Date: 2008-12-31 08:39 am (UTC)
ext_1117: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
I have never even heard of these Librarian movies, and you can be sure that I'll check them out first chance I get. *g*

This has been an entertaining ride. I love AUs and you've got their voices down right. I haven't read a fun action-adventure fic in a long while and this hits the spot. And there are sequels? More McKay/Sheppard hijinks, please. :D

Any deviation (or deviant behavior) from the originals, however, is mine.

lol. Looking forward to more, and thanks for sharing. :)

Date: 2010-01-14 10:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Well, I had never heard of the Librarian series but now that I have....**grinning** I'm a happy girl! Great story! Really, really lotsa fun! Thanks!


danceswithgary: (Default)


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